Mood: Kind of amused

Yesterday was Valentines day. I had a great one!

Hope all out there had a great time and that you got to experience love.

The ending of my day however did make the feeling slightly ever so less good!

Why?

Well not due to the excellent and ever so charming man that I love and spent the evening with.

It was due to the horde of teenagers that invaded our home.

*laughing*

They were like everywhere! ALL OVER!!

Now this is not all bad at all cause Miss F had a great evening and that means a lot to me.

But I have to be honest and say that I am not very good at this invasion thing.

I mean I love my home and it is a huge part of me and for me to let others just go nuts and take full control over what is so dear to me is way difficult.

I know how bad this sounds but still feel that I am in titled to feel this way.

Why?

Well I live in a rather large property and the kids have HUGE rooms and areas at their disposal.

This is why the living room where we spend time as a family or where we have a refuge as adults is so important to me.

I feel that due to the large areas for the children I can feel protected over this space that give me such pleasure and peace.

Last night the space were not at my disposal at all and there were teenagers everywhere.

We were deported into the bedroom and the evening got a very abrupt ending.

I felt so lost in my emotions due to all this and probably because I had hoped to have a nice evening by the telly with darling BF and a nice glass of wine.

Instead we ended up listening to the mad ramblings of the gang that spread out in the sofas.

*smile* 

It is all good but I feel that in the future the living room dedicated to Miss F herself will certainly have to do so that all will fit into places where we can find comfort.

If we only had on small living space together I could much easier have understood the need for us to be banished into our own bedroom.

I did not have a discussion with Miss F about this but both me and Mr P were feeling that we needed that space to be available for us in the future. I need it for sure due to the nature of my job where I sit and chat with people all day and need my quiet space when getting home.

Thankfully the laughter that we heard from the girls and the giggles brought lots of love into our hearts so that is of some comfort anyway.

Xoxo

Mood: Rather excellent!

I long for the life that lays ahead of me!

I cannot wait and today is a prefect day to start sharing the love that I am determined that will surround me.

Valentines day!

Yes, it is a day like any other right? Or not!

I love this day or should I say that I used to love it.

Right about now I am so tired most of the time that I cannot be bothered to do anything over the top.

This does not mean that I am not into all of the hype.

I just long for all of the moving thingy to end and that one can focus on the love that I feel.

I really feel fortunate again to be where I am in life and although we sure are different in so many ways I feel that there is true love here and that all the crap that gets in our way will be easy to manoeuvre around.

I have faith in what we have and I am not all sure that I had that before.

I can get pissed off now without directly wanting to leave it all. I feel that it is a part of life to find myself loving a little bit less some days and more other days.

There is a tremendous strength to be given from the love one shares and also from the turbulence that one experience in a relation with teenagers and different ways of looking upon bringing them up.

I am not worried anymore though.

I feel that I distance myself rather nicely these days and that it is his way of deciding if they shall be spoiled adults or responsible once.

My hands will not be included in this work if my opinions do not matter.

So I find myself rather content and happy to go about my business and do things that lay close to my heart.

So today is the day for love and I feel rather filled with this and very content.

I wish all a fantastic Valentines day.

Love, love, love!!

Xoxo

Mood: Tired but happy

I am not sure what to write really.

I just know that I found a really good place in life what I feel at home these days.

Strong arms wrapped around me for support aswell as love.

I am fortunate to see the results of all the hard work we put into this.

I never thought we would make it to be honest.

And there were some really heavy obsicles to clear.

But here I am now.

Happy and content in so many ways.

I never thought I could patch all this up in the way that we have.

I never thought that we could look at eachother again and become filled with love and pride.

I am so proud to have the boyfriend that I have and I feel that it is a true priviledge to have walked the path we have walked.

We needed this!

All the crap and hardship!

I treasure all of it really! I have grown as a person due to the need I have had to love him.

He makes me a better me.

Pieces of me are glued back together and from the pile of rubble that was me I know feel yet again strong and proud to be where I am and more so WHO I am.

I wish for all to share the same sense of calmness and love.

Be safe in your lives and make sure to make every day count.

Xoxo

.....when you sent a message and it needs responding to and there is no response.´ It sucks!

The future is looking bright and sunny. Perhaps my life will start again on the right path? Yay!

Mood: Frustrated and sad

So I am confused!

Nobody can miss that I guess.

But what to do with all this? This frustration?

This life that is mine to take care of and nurture. Am I doing the best I can?

I am not sure of many things at all these days. From day to day it all changes and I cannot keep up the pace anymore.

I feel tired!

I feel so distressed that there is no direction that I feel that I follow. No goals really anymore!

It just flows nicely by and all I do is standing by and looking.

But this is my fr**king life right?

This cannot be it right?

I sure the hell hope not! I need more!

I need to feel the tingly happiness bubbling in me again. To laugh out loud and strong in the way that just brings light and glitter to once life.

To feel that I am living the right life! Walking the right road!

I wish there are some sort of sign that gave me the indication that I am on the right path.

Life is not at all bad or anything like that but I just have no clue what the heck I am doing anymore.

Why am I doing what I am doing?

Why am I living the way I do? For me or for the world/others that are close to me?

I want to feel safe and secure and able to meet the challenges that life provides.

At present I so am not ready for all this that is my life.

It feels hollow and empty and rather without meaning and purpose.

Being the energetic person that I am and not afraid of change makes me wonder if I should take another leap into the future and perhaps by doing that give me a boost in the right direction towards glittering happiness again…..

Well, over and out for now!

Xoxo

I need to get a gym membership! Feeling so horribly out of shape! :(

Mood: Calm

Sparkles in my existence!

Yes, sometimes it feels just like that.

Today I feel great and the energy that I got from spending the weekend in the capital is just wonderful indeed.

I loved it so much!

I thought that I was way to old for that now but surely the past partymadness came back like it never left me.

Champagne and drinks and lots and lots of laughter!

Rather dreamy really.

Met great people and some of my dear friends.

Such love one can feel when you surround yourself with the once you love.

But today it is back to normal again but that does not mean that the normality that is my life does not have a certain shimmer after the weekend.

How could it be even fair that one has to loose that part of once life due to the fact that it is not really fitting to go out and madly party the night away.

The immense pleasure of preparing for the night and try to look nice and just feel fantastic is something that the normality of live normally lack.

I feel a huge need for this but am not at all sure how to incorporate it into my life.

I guess it will resolve itself as it usually does and when it does I shall take it all in my stride and just make the best of it.

Party days might be over but the shimmer of glamour and champagne does not have to be lost!

I shall find a way to incorporate this into my life again and then never see it lost again in the way that it has been.

How to do this?

Well might have to have a glass of champagne and contemplate this further……

Nice!

Xoxo

Mood: Worried

I am sitting here wondering what is to be in the future!

It can be the best thing ever or just the most spectacular flop that ever!

What road to go and what choises to make! I am happy where I am and have no complaints really!

I feel that some part of my person has been awaken and is asking questions that I am not even sure that I want to have the answers too! I mean are there really a place in the world for a person such as me? I feel so utterly disconnected to life sometimes and I wonder if there are any people out there that could ever get my weird and somewhat screwed up person!

Can I be loved like I love? I will not know this until later on in life I know this but some sort of certainty or just a hint would be nice! I feel like I am this horrid person due to the fact that I have this different outlook on life and that I love to let all people be as they are!

You are not suppose to be different in this world! I know this but still my person refuses to change and adapt. Why cant I and others that are different be allowed to coexcist with all these people that seems to have this enormous demand for normality! This is even more chocking when there are no real way of saying what is normal anyway.

I dare say that I shall persevere and stay true to my person and my beliefs though and prove to more than myself that the level of stubborness that I have exceeds anything that could be meassured. :)

The freedom to write and express myself just gives me the boost that I need to make changes that will ensure more than just my happiness! All should feel contentment and happiness with their world and the way that they are looked at and treated!

So to end this essay of ramblings I shall send massive amount of love out there to all that needs it!

Stay true to your selves and never change unless it is something that you want to and feel the need to do!

Lots of love to all!

Xoxo

Mood: Just being weird little old me.......

So here I am just waiting for the time to pass so that I can go to sleep. Not really my cup of tea these days to spend hours on end infront of the telly.

Alone in a hotel in the capital! What to do? Should go out right? Go crazy and just live carefree?

Naaa, dont want to do that at all! I find myself longing for the company of my bestest friend Linda! The fact that I know that she will be here with me the day after tomorrow makes me want to save my strength really!

We have not been alone for about six years I think. Sure we met but all the time with kids or men around! It feels so weird that we acctually will be able to spend some aha itu time together! WHAT A TREAT FOR ME!!!!

Fridag will be one of those nights that I will cherish for ever! Just being able to sit and chat with her seems lik one of the best presents EVER! :)

Well anyway I find it so wonderful and strengthening to know that we even after all these years passed can feel connected and loving. We are two very different people but still the same!  I love her like a sister and wouldd be there for her in a heartbeat if she needed me!

A rock to depend on that is whatshe is to me!

So it might not be so stange after all that I feel like I do!

So bring on the friday...... Will love every minute of it!

Thank you Linda!

Xoxo

Mood: Rather here…..that´s enough right.

I sit and wonder about so many a thing these days.

Should I jump into the future or should I be cautious and wait?

The usual Me would be jumping right into all that seems fun and that implies that I will evolve as a person.

But at present it seems that I cannot do this. I am prevented from this by myself really.

I do not recognise this side of my person but it is necessary to get to know this part of me too.

Perhaps it is me maturing into an adult finally!

*laughing*

Or perhaps I am just going nut!

:)

In any case I try to step back and relax to be able to observe the life around me and to make choices that are in not only my interest but also not in conflict with others.

I love being me and all that comes with it.

I find it educational to experience new things and I love the fact that I am a strong independent person.

But it is also in conflict with the world around me.

I tend to be a person that many find difficult to be around and I think this is because I am not apologizing for being me.

I do not know why it is that I find that many seem to like me but not really like me.

I am so scary perhaps?

Or is it that my views on life are so radical?

I just want to find life pleasant and interesting.

I want to give respect and get respect.

I try my hardest to be fair and honest and treat others like I myself want to be treated.

Or perhaps it is my honest mistake to believe that I possess the qualities that I just described……….

Well this will have to conclude this message from me today.

Be safe and treat the world with love and respect.

Xoxo

Mood: Frustrated

There is a challenge in life for sure!

It´s called being ME!

I am so deadly tired of the fact that being me always seem to put me into unfortunate or disappointing situations.

There are so many unspoken rules of life and apparently I screw them all up royally!

So I am too independent apparently!

Yeah, that might be the case but still it does not give people the right to disregard the pleading for assistance or just a shoulder to cry on at times.

That is exactly what happens more or less everyday these days.

I try to be as helpless as I am “supposed” to be.

Does it work?

HELL NO!

If I reach out I get the cold shoulder due to the fact that I am normally strong and independent.

But sometimes one needs to be sad, small, scared and just in need of comfort.

Why is this so darn hard to understand or see.

Am I not clear about what vibes I send out?

Yesterday a SMS was sent out expressing the sad and lonely feeling that I felt. Reaching for comfort and support as I so rarely do.

What was the response that I was to receive!

NADA! NOTHING! Not a freaking word!

So OK it was in the evening and I went to bed rather sad about this lack of regard for me thinking that surely the person that received my text message would give me a response in the morning even though I would have needed that response last night.

So what happened then?

Well, let me put it this way.

Apparently I am to stay the independent ice queen for all eternity and never ever again reach out and express the emotions or needs that are a part of my person.

I know that the prospect of this will for sure give me the most sad little lonely existence ever but the alternative is horrid too.

Being disappointed when the hand is reached out hurts to much.

I try my hardest to be a good person and to be there for my friends and family but still I manage to just get the harshest reality check when reaching out.

I shall try my hardest to stop this nonsense and become even more distant and independent and most important COLD!

Lesson learnt and message received and understood!

Thank you for making it quite clear that human emotion is not anything to be connected to my person.

Wishing all the best of days.

Xoxo

Mood: Pleased!

Tänk att lite impregnerade brädor kan ge sådan känsla och lycka?

*skrattar*

Jag köpte ett gäng igår så att jag skall kunna komma vidare på mina trädgårsprojekt.

Så jag kan knappt bärga mig att komma hem idag så att jag får sätta fart.

Dessa brädor kommer att lägga grunden för framtida buskinköp och jag ser så fram emot att få det gjort. Det blir så rent och snyggt och sedan kan buskarna komma vid tillfälle och då finns det redan plats för dem.

Detta ger mig inspiration och glädje när jag känner att det finns plats att plantera och att man inte behöver gräva massor direkt i samband med planteringen.

Tjohooo!

Det kommer att bli så fint och till och med ytan där den eländiga tallen stod skal äntligen få sig en ansiktslyftning och bli fin.

Nja, inte 100% klar på en gång men jag kommer att ha grunden i alla fall för det och det är ju lite det jag är ute efter i detta steg.

Massor med blommande buskar skall planteras när man fått tid att åka till Bengtssons och handlat.

Mamma vill göra det på söndag så det tycker jag låter som en härlig plan.

Hela denna helgen är jag ju själv och då kan jag njuta och pyssla en massa hemma och få gjort de sakerna som jag nu vill göra. De är så enkla men effektfulla saker jag kommit på och med lite brädor och markduk så blir det fin fint.

Sedan skall jag också ge mig på att lägga en mur vid infarten för att få ordning på eländet utanför staketet.

Bilder kommer nog att visas upp senare.

Ibland är det de små sakerna i livet som bereder mig lycka.

Idag är det brädor och markduk!

*skrattar* 

Xoxo

Mood: Not to chirpy today…

Ensam är stark men ensam är också ensam!

Bättre kan man egentligen inte säga det.

Dagarna går ihop till ett myller av aktiviteter och känslor blandat med ensamhet och stress över hur skall det gå…………..

En dag i taget är ju enda sättet men det känns ibland som att livet springer förbi mig och att jag inte hinner med och går miste om en massa kul saker för att jag ”ger det tid”.

Skall man sluta göra det och bara agera rakt utifrån den direkta känslan?

Kanske det vore enklare!

Som det är idag så händer det saker utanför mitt liv som jag inte kan kontrollera alls och det stör mig för många av de situationerna är underbart roliga och jag får liksom inte vara med.

Och visst får jag vara med men priset är för högt!

Jag kan ju inte ge upp mig själv bara för att få ta del av dessa saker eller hur?

Är det kanske mig det är fel på då?

Är det jag som har problemen?

Jag är fortfarande övertygad om att det inte är så men ibland vid svaga tillfällen sent på kvällen när ensamheten kryper fram och man känner sig liten och ganska usel skall tilläggas.

Ja, då tvivlar man på sig själv.

Men nu är jag ju uppfostrad av min härliga mamma till att vara stark och envis och stå upp för det jag tror på.

Men hon glömde säga att jag också när jag är så blir väldigt ”obekväm” i mångas ögon.

So screw them right?

Nja, det är ju inte helt enkelt eller lätt att göra det.

Jag vill bara må bra ju.

Inget konstigt alls eller hur?

Men frågan är kan jag må bra i den situation som är nu. Den KOMMER inte att ändras för vi flyttar inte ihop igen.

Jag kan inte göra det med de förutsättningar som finns. Varesig i det befintliga huset eller någon annanstans.

Han måste ändra på sig och vilja det och jag kan inte heller kräva det av honom för jag tror inte på att man kan ändra någon om inte personen ifråga själv vill detta.

Så skall jag fortsätta kämpa!

Ensam är stark men ensam är också ENSAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Xoxo

Mood: It is what it is………..sort of…

Så dagarna har varit helt underbara med massor med sol och fixande hemma.

Mr P hjälpte mig med det sista gällande altanen.

Tjohoo….äntligen klar!

Nu skall det njutas i sommar……hoppas jag i alla fall.

Igår när jag satt hemma och hade kört ett ryck i trädgården så fick jag en våg av ensamhet över mig.

Kändes märkligt fast trots allt något som jag väntat på.

Det har varit ljuvliga dagar och jag har verkligen dragit styrka från det lugn som jag befunnit mig i men igår kändes det som att det är något på gång som jag kanske inte alls nödvändigtvis kommer att gilla.

Jag funderar på hur mitt liv ter sig.

Hur vill jag ha det?

Vilken typ av relation kan jag ha eller rättare sagt kan jag få?

Det känns lite sorgligt att leva själv nu och för alltid om det nu blir så.

Visst jag är ju så stark då och självständig och allt annat sånt ”bullshit” men det är inte alltid så kul.

Hur kommer jag att finna ro och lycka om jag alltid åker hem till min egen borg?

Min fina och underbara men dock tom på liv och bemötande borg!

Nåväl, nu är jag inte deprimerad eller så men det är lite trassliga tankar som kom som irriterande pop-up fönster igår kväll.

Det känns så ledsamt ibland att jag inte har någon att luta mig på och Mr P verkar så distanserad dessa dagar.

Det är som att vi har massor kärlek men har vi ett liv?

Det känns som att på grund av att vi inte är samboende så driver vi sakta men säkert ifrån varandra och det är liksom inte mycket man kan göra åt det verkar det som.

Han gör märkliga saker ibland och verkar disträ och frånkopplad och sådant finner jag grymt ”avtändande”.

Han kan gå vid min sida men han är inte där! Det är lite läskigt och jag kan inte låta bli att fundera över om jag har tålamodet med detta i det långa loppet.

Kan jag vara så tålmodig och inte bli irriterad eller frustrerad när han är där men ändå inte??

Han är väldigt frånkopplad mellan varven (detta verkar vara en genetiskt sak för han käre far är likadan) och det skrämmer mig.

Det är inte skoj att säga ”Älskling jag går in om tio minuter och gör en ugnspannkaka” och då prommenixar han in och börjar skala potatis.

WHAT?

Detta är ju inte heller något ovanligt utan liknande situationer uppstår minst ett 10 tal gånger per dag när vi ses.

Som att han inte hör mig eller fattar.

Eller så är det helt enkelt så att JAG inte fattar och att det är hans sätt att säga ”kanske vi inte är så bra ihop” då han inte tar till sig min information.

Det är lite där jag står nu och det är mäkta förvirrande och jag vet inte helt fullt vad jag skall göra.

Vissa dagar är jag 100% säker på att jag bara önskar att det skall vara över så att jag får sörja och sedan gå vidare och sedan snabbt som attans har jag svårt att tänka mig ett liv utan honom eller tjejerna.

HELP! Vad sjutton skall man göra?

Nåväl, vad är väl en bal på slottet?

Xoxo